I'm naturally a dreamer. I thrive on making plans and moving forward. I also thrive on perfection. I grew up in a home where there were very high expectations and as a result, I set really high goals for myself and consistently try to reach them. I will forever be thankful that my family wants my very best but sometimes I wonder if the things I want or what I truly believe might be my very best will be good enough. Oddly enough, my mom is probably sitting in her blue plaid chair reading this right now thinking to herself that whatever is ultimately going to make me happy is, in fact, good enough. That being said, I believe I just learned something very important about my life and that is that maybe it's not my parent's expectations I'm trying to live up to anymore. Maybe it's my own.
I needed a place to get away, to sort out my thoughts from this extremely scary day. My heart led me upstairs into the one room that rarely gets used. I'm sitting awkwardly on my massage table with an electric blanket heating my bum and I'm pouring out written words onto a blank canvas. A day of confusion and anxiety and restlessness suddenly feels right, warm rear and all. My wounds are healing and I'm thriving because my purpose is fulfilled.
If you are reading this you are probably very confused. You might not know what exactly I am feeling, you might see only letters where my eyes see pages and pages of hope. You may look at my life and think that I have everything figured out when I'm really just praying that my standards aline with something that my heart can grasp. You are probably all of these things, unless you are her. Unless you are the one woman who I was with for the sweetest of minutes today that completely released any expectations I have for my life.
Breathing and discovering. Discovering and breathing. I treated our time together more like a therapy session than anything yet minutes passed and I suddenly wasn't speaking anymore. I was engaging every single muscle in my body and forcing every ounce of energy I didn't think I had into a head stand. That's right, a head stand. A place where my whole world looked differently and felt differently and I was free. Suddenly I had no expectations other than to hear her voice and let it rescue me. My wildest dreams felt within reach and my heart began to feel something that it never had felt in my life and I realized that just DOING gives us power and power is believing and when we believe we are alive. There are no questions to be answered and no outcome to analyze because your spirit and your trust are already there.
I have spent so many years wondering if the decisions I've made are the right ones, if they will meet the expectations I have placed upon myself. I spent hours contemplating which path is the 'right path' and I've spent more time analyzing a situation than truly just asking myself a simple question like this beautiful woman asked me tonight. With no hesitation at all, she asked me, "When you wake up in the morning, what is the first thing you think about?" It was almost as if I had no idea what to say yet every question I had ever pondered became clear. A moment of utter insecurity suddenly became a moment of comfort.
I want something different in my life than my closest kins - my friends and teachers too. She looked at me and smiled. No words were said and our conversation ended. Her legs unfolded and she went on with her evening like nothing had happened at all. A silence filled the room and surrounded my heart and I knew that the words I was whispering to myself were the exact words that she would have spoken.
I want you to know something and I want you to hear it, love it, and protect it. Daydreamers were put on this earth for three reasons and I believe that one of those reasons is to make it more beautiful and another is to realize that a simple soul can save your life in a matter of seconds. But their other purpose, and perhaps their most important one is that they are the ones who secretly have it all figured out.
Our heads rest high above these clouds for a reason and rather than trying to break down that wall of expectations we set upon ourselves day after day after day let's use it to just keep climbing. Climb higher than any judgement we put upon ourselves, higher than what others may believe is best, and higher than any fears we have of falling.
There is always going to be an opponent in this trial at life. Find a surface and breathe and then with no hesitation at all, change your point of view.
And remember, the moment it becomes pushed to a wall, pinned to its defeat, and unable to restrain, a mysterious bird will fly.