I wanted to surprise you with a letter. A little note from me to you that unexpectedly showed up in your mail box for a middle of the week smile. It probably would have had little drawings of gnomes and dream catchers because these are the things that make me think of you. I wanted it to be a surprise, I really really did. I think, however, that I totally screwed up my plan this evening when, well, I sort of told you about it.
So here I am, a ruiner of surprises and still smiling.
Since I know you're wondering, there is a delicious looking plate of chips made out of pinto beans and a bowl of homemade guacamole (okay half a bowl) at the top of this page because a long time ago a girl told me that avocados are healthy fats and I should eat them. So after we hung up the phone I went to my kitchen and whipped up the prettiest bowl of healthy lookin' fats I could. Cheers to once again, eating too much of it for my belly to handle and cheers to you knowing exactly how I feel. I remember when you ate a whole Kashi pizza and it got 'lodged' in your ribcage and we went to Target and your hair was messy and your outfit didn't match and you got lost because you believed it was truly stuck there. You were really confused and miserable and we were still laughing. Food comas for life.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, like I said earlier, there is no such thing as losing. You either win or you learn.
I heard your voice tonight for the first time in weeks. It sounded different. Not sad, not happy, just different. I think it was my heart's way of telling me I miss you. I couldn't find the right words to say that would bring normalcy back into your voice and it killed me because that's what I wanted. Me and my avocados have done a lot of thinking since our talk and I realized that while a common sound is what I yearned for, it might not be what you're feeling right now.
Maybe you need this. Maybe you need to be in an uncommon place with people you don't know and maybe feeling quiet and reserved is okay. Maybe it's okay to feel scared. While some people climb ladders maybe it's even better to climb trees. Maybe the raspberries at the cabin are fresh and yummy but maybe the raspberries in Jersey are too. There might be prettier skies where you are and there might be bigger paths to run through and maybe there is a coffee shop with tables just a few miles from your earthy apartment complex. Real tables!
What I mean sweet girl, is that life is full of maybe's. Little moments that can become life changing one's when we change our point of view. I've learned to accept that some of life's greatest treasures result from the hardest times and even though you're scared, I know that you will never ever lose. You will learn.
I know you're caught somewhere between creating a home and missing one but do you want to know what I think? I think I'm missing home too. I miss apartment 321 and Fourth of July's and gin and tonics and thrift stores and miserable moments in target that in some such way feel absolutely perfect. Maybe that can be our home. Maybe the people who wander are the one's that secretly have everything figured out. And as hard as it is for me, maybe I'm so incredibly lucky to have a best friend to miss. Keep looking at the world from the tops of trees and I promise, I promise you, that you'll find your peace.