Today was wonderful. So wonderful I should be thinking about every moment, every conversation, every smile that occurred. I should be writing about standing on a paddle board and moving myself across a trio of lakes for the very first time in my life. About the most beautiful brunch platter that my tastebuds have ever encountered; organic eggs with rice, bison sausages, light caramel coffee. I should be telling you about how sitting in a sports bar with my favorite people in the world and discussing professional football players who's names I can't even pronounce for three hours might have been the best part of my week. And I should be reminiscing on the last three days of my life, where the noon hours became warmer and the earlier sunsets turned sweeter because of the little hint of fall that I'm starting to feel. Honestly, I should be doing all of these things. But instead I'm sitting here, alone in my bedroom with the curtains closing off the only hour of light I have left this evening. Would it be easier for me to post all of the adventurous photos from my weekend, cafe coffee's and all? Of course it would. But right now my heart is just telling me to speak and to speak the truth. Hiding behind photographs would only make my anxiety increase and I know this because I used to do it all the time. I look back at those photos now, however, and I can visually see how terrible of a liar I really was. Behind that smile rested fear; a fear that has found its way back to me tonight.
My word for this evening should probably be brave because bravery is what I seek.
I feel heat on my shoulders pressing me hard into my mattress, screaming that all of the pain in my body and mind have returned for good. The tears in my eyes burn my paled cheeks even more so than the candle next to me. Night trains blaring in the distance feel like my only way out of this gruesome nightmare. I want to run but my body won't move. I want to disappear but my hands refuse to quit. A moment passes. I'm not ready to quit.
God has different plans for me. I feel Him moving in me, pushing me. I feel him whispering for me to just let go, to trust in Him. I feel him living inside of me, the most desperate part of me. I hear him saying to me, I've got you. You are safe. Breathe my child. And as much as the tears keep sliding down I can feel him beginning to pick me up.
I have learned that when you say yes to God, He will provide you with everything you need when the unexpected starts to occur. He will give you the greatest days and best people. He will flower you with love and hope. He will make you whole. He will paddle you through city lakes and He will gift you with breakfast smack dab in the middle of Sunday traffic. And then He will refill your empty heart, the one experiencing fear and worry and guilt, with infinite amounts of faith because that's just what he does.
Anxiety is my demon and I want to be moved. I am ready.