I’ve been bursting to share that we have a sweet little baby growing in my belly. It was the most wonderful birthday surprise for us both and to be totally honest, it still hasn’t fully hit me. But then I have a random emotional outburst and I can smell my kitchen from football fields away and I all of a sudden think to myself that yes Elizabeth, this is very very real. I am 10 weeks along and I’m learning every day. I find myself thinking about new life and how fragile it is. How sacred and tender and how I have already gained such a soft spot in my heart for this baby. I didn’t think that I could ever emotionally and physically feel so much joy and I was never expecting such uncomfortable changes to feel completely breathtaking. But they do. It was the Saturday before my Birthday. Caught somewhere between fear and excitement I cried into the arms of my husband and thanked God for this beautiful blessing that is growing inside of me. My initial thought was my own mother. I wondered if she felt similar to the way I was feeling when she learned of my existence. I wondered if her heart was racing and if her body was all of a sudden feeling extremely beautiful. I hope, with everything inside of me, that I can give myself to this baby as she did with me. I felt my husband’s embrace. I could feel his tears stream softly into my shoulders. They were the warmest yet most fragile tears I’ve ever felt. He pressed his lips into my ear and expressed his happiness with words and breath. I am safe.
In that moment, my life changed. Our life changed. We are going to be parents. This man who consistently wraps his arms around me each day was no longer just embracing me. His words were no longer ones that I could only hear. And his crooked smile was not sending security into only my heart. I wanted to stay in his arms forever. I felt protected and humble and so happy as I always do yet I felt so completely different; I felt it so much more. I had never felt so much love for one single person and in one single moment in all my life.
My husband and this tiny baby have completely swept me away and I think I’d like to stay here and feel this magic for awhile.
Three weeks have passed since my first doctor’s visit. While there is a lot of changes occurring in my life right now, most of the time I find myself feeling completely at peace. I think there is a special kind of freedom that exists when you know you're growing a child. You gain infinite love. You’re sensitive. And every new feeling comes with a tiny piece of fear protected by an incredible amount of strength. The kind of strength you never really knew you had until now.
Sometimes, however, I do feel anxious about the prospect of being a mother and being responsible for another life. I worry about my job and if it’s something I’ll be able to handle. I wonder if God hears me crying, laughing, and filled so deeply with confusion that I just start crying again. I ask him why he is putting me through so many changes externally that what’s happening internally can bring fear rather than joy. Maybe God knows that I’m most sensitive to him when I’m pregnant and He’s choosing to do the majority of his work during this time. Maybe change, the one thing I’ve struggled with all of my life, is actually his gift to me because no matter what is happening in my life and in yours, Jesus Christ will stay the same yesterday, today, and always. Maybe this is what he’s teaching me.
There are a lot of things that I’m still learning and there is going to be many moments where the answer will remain hidden, but I do know this. God loves me. He wants me, He adores me and I’m trusting that he is faithful. I’m not a mother yet [but I sort of am] so I’d like to end this post with a piece of advice that I’ve discovered in this short time. The fear and worries, the tears and amount of work that exists in creating a life. Don’t carry them all. For the only thing worth carrying, is what’s resting inside of you.
This is when life will really transpire.