It’s Sunday. The clock reads 4:32 PM. I’m taking a moment to sort through my tired brain because crying into the arms of my husband was only getting me so far. Knowing that my perfectionism is at its peak right now has somehow led me to my breaking point and while this may not make a whole lot of sense to you, I really really just need to spill my heart because words are my therapy and whether they line up just perfectly or not, this is the moment in which I will heal.
About a year ago I was struggling with an immense amount of anxiety that interfered with my daily living and happiness. Physically, mentally, and emotionally, I was completely broken inside and it took me several months to discover that it was my very own actions and thoughts that brought me to that point. I was saved during that time by weekly church visits, daily prayer, meditation, and finally embarking on a dream that I had wanted to pursue all of my life - capturing moments with my camera and this beautiful little space on the web.
I could list a thousand things that healed me - changed me, strengthened me, and gave me peace. What I owe most of it too, however, is time and fully accepting that I’m never ever going to run out of it.
I woke on this Sunday with similar thoughts that had once cluttered my fearful mind. I filtered through the last three weeks of my life and realized that I once again, was doing everything I possibly could in the shortest amount of time possible because I thought I had too. We’re humans right? Like super humans that wake at dawn and scrub their floors and run marathons and do three loads of laundry and plan a weeks worth of Thanksgiving worthy meals all before noon. Those expectations are totally normal, totally…
I ignored the shaking voice inside of me and rolled out my freshly washed sheets anyways. I responded to clients, drafted products that had to be ordered, boiled potatoes for a potato salad that seemed impossible to make, and looked forward into my full-time work week in order to coordinate what I needed to do before my alarm whistled at 5 AM…tomorrow.
It took me until 4:32 PM this afternoon to realize a very important aspect about this day and also my life. Tears filling the pockets of my husband’s shoulders, wanting so badly to feel accomplished, complete, strong. I admitted to him that all of the living I’ve been doing over the past three weeks has left me feeling none of those things. In fact, I’ve been just the opposite - sick, tired, confused, and unhappy. But how can a person that gets everything done when they are supposed too be any of that? Aren’t the perfect people the good people? Aren’t they the one’s that every one wants to be?
Today, my focus switched from living to simply living. To say that I don’t want to dream or adventure or to accomplish would be completely misleading. And to say that I want to completely change my life around would be all wrong. I just needed a moment to realize that, once again, time and all of the moments it can entail isn’t going to run out on me. I believe with every single part of me that it is perfectly okay to go hard until the race is done, taking one step in front of the other. But whether we complete that race by running or walking or even sleeping for that matter - the experience and the time will always always always be there. In life’s little marathon, focus on being the reason for someone, anyone, to believe in the good. Be their reason to slow down for belly laughs and love. For baby movements in your tiny bump. Be their reason for seeing radiance inside the dark, health within the sick, and seeing twenty four incredible hours inside of the day.
I’m not sure how my day will end, my life either. But I do have faith that it will be filled with adventure and passion and life and stillness that will somehow continue to move mountains. Right now, I’m just at peace with what’s in front of me. I skim the pages with my finger, remembering that my past does not define my present. My tasks do not define how good of a person I am. And that the hours in front of me will without a doubt, be the moments to praise the most.
No matter how long they take me.