bigger, wider, stronger, beautiful.

“You’re starting to widen from behind.”  

The words hit me harder than I ever imagined.  I felt like I should be walking around with a sign on my back reading ‘oversized load.’  I smiled anyways trying to cover up any insecurity that had flushed over my face.

She might as well have called me fat but I think I for sure would have fallen apart.  Four months ago, I worked extremely hard for my body.  I was fit, toned with small muscles and tan skin.  Nine pounds have now filled my bust, midsection, and apparently my rear.  My pallid skin has started to stretch, my abdomen pulls towards my pelvis, and my once fit frame is swelling with child.  

It has taken me these 18 weeks of pregnancy and a comment like the one I received to fully accept my body and the amount of glory it provides.  My body, my widening backside, is currently building my child’s body and whether it’s tall, short, wide, or narrow, it is truly a miracle to me.

To the men, women, and children of this beautiful world.  I beg you, beg you, to never dodge your reflection in the mirror.  I spent three years of my life designing the perfect me in my mind.  I spent nights wishing I looked a certain way because I had this perception that it would make me feel a certain way as well.  Pregnancy has taught me that life and all of the miracles that go into creating one, is as perfect as we’ll ever become.  We have heart’s that have the power to beat for decades.  Decades.  We have senses that allow us to taste and hear and feel the magical things we encounter day after day.  We have brown eyes and blue eyes and muscles and fingertips that make every single one of us different then the next person.  I can’t even express how beautiful these combinations reflect off this earth each moment.  I see you and you are perfect.  

My growing belly and I have had our differences.  Going from distance running and heated Vinyasa’s to occasional walks and stretching has been difficult at times.  Maybe I should be counting calories.  Maybe I should lower my carb intake.  Maybe I just, shouldn’t.

I don’t even think it’s the fact that I look down and see a part of me expanding.  It is more so my inability to do the things that I was once able to do - ya know like walking up the stairs without feeling my heart rate sky rocket or pulling up my pants without having to wiggle my way into them.

Frustrated, defeated, and so insecure.  And then I step back.

There I was complaining about the things that have been taken from my life all while gaining the miraculous ability to create one.  To the girl who mentioned my growing backside, thank you.  The entire weight of me and this baby graciously thank you.  You reminded me that beauty not only comes in physical form but also in the untouchable form as well.  Talent, creativity, knowledge, faith, and humor.  I grace my hands across my belly and feel this tiny soul so warm inside of me.  If there is anything that this little life has taught me so far, it is to love myself more.  

We have to understand as human beings that self love has the abundance to create a lifetime of  victories.  The ability to love yourself when you feel unloveable will make you shine brighter than crystal skies.  And if you can overshadow any doubts that you may have about yourself I promise you that the body you have will be one that will give you nothing but love in return.  

And so whether you are thinking about a change, wanting a change, or like me, experiencing a change:  you are a work in progress.  You are strong, radiant, and you are a light that will continue to shine.  Love yourself.  

Love yourself, love yourself, love yourself.