love.

Oh, it feels good to be writing this post.  I woke up this morning to the smell of coffee brewing in my kitchen and my fur babe yawning in my face.  It’s early for a Sunday but my eyes were as wide as the starry sky that lit up our room.  I rested my hand across my belly and our baby’s tiny feet pressed against me.  I swear this child never stops moving and I love him for it.  That’s right, we are having a boy.  A sweet, sweet boy.  Our room was dark, I whispered my love to him, and for the first time in 20 weeks I had a strong feeling that I was doing something right.  Even though he’s been inside of me all of this time I think today was the very first time I met my son.  

I told him he has his daddy’s nose and love for music.  That his dancing feet make me think about my own father and how excited I am for them to meet.  I talked about his tiny body.  The one I can’t wait to hold and keep safe.  I told him that I saw pictures of him on Friday and that everything looked healthy and strong and beautiful.  I talked about Beretta and how much he’s going to love her.  She rests her chocolate head on my belly every single day like she knows he’s in there waiting to meet her.  I told him I’m afraid of the ocean and being home alone at night.  That I’m still not entirely sure what I’m doing with my life but that right now it doesn’t matter.  He matters.  I talked about nature and muskies and how I hope that I’ll be able to teach him just as many things as his father.  Like how to worship and pray.  How lifting his tiny hands to the Lord will completely change his life.  And how to follow his dreams even if all the stars aren’t perfectly in line.  That nothing in this world will ever be perfect but that’s what makes it so wonderful.  I told him there is beauty everywhere and in everything.  And then I thanked him for teaching me things already.  Like how you don’t always have to see things to believe in them.  We just need to trust and have faith and be completely open to the miracles that God can create in all areas of our lives.  My sweet baby boy, you have began to make my whole life different.  I am slowly learning to let go of control and expectations and I have started to see this world as a mom.  Because of you, my eyes have made me more aware of how small we are and how big God is.  Because of you, the Lord has taken every doubt I’ve had within myself and every worry about this pregnancy from my heart and has reminded me that love and the ability to trust is all a mother needs.  

And so this morning I’m thankful.  I’m thankful for loving and for grace.  I am grateful that this pregnancy has been hard.  Harder than anything I’ve ever imagined.  I’m thankful for the first trimester worries like hopping on my bicycle and trying so desperately to dodge every crack in the road because I feared that any bump would harm him.  I’m thankful for the day I ripped off my tank top and slammed it onto my carpet because it was making me claustrophobic.  I am grateful for the days I could hardly get anything down and also for the one’s where six pancakes sounded like the most brilliant idea ever.  And I am so incredibly thankful for all of the times I believed I was doing everything wrong.  Because this morning, right now, the two of us lay here happy, healthy, and moving forward with the understanding that everything is actually so so right.   

19 short sweet weeks my little babe.  I will see you soon.