Happy March! With each new month I find myself thinking about the previous month’s happenings. I also tend to look at myself in the mirror, examine my rapidly growing belly, and cherish the little moments of life I’ve felt throughout this pregnancy. Each month I’m a little bit bigger and each month I’m a little bit more excited for his arrival.
Even with the excitement and joys of entering motherhood, it seemed as if every day last month was a struggle. Between work, home, finances, trying to decide if we want to sell our house or not, and praying that each day would become a little less filled with stress, I often found myself way too exhausted to even enjoy the itty bits of down time I did have. My dark bedroom, sleep, and a baggy saggy tank top was all my heart wanted most of the time.
As the sun began to shine herself into my bedroom this morning, however, I was determined to have a day that wouldn’t cause me stress nor exhaust me. I took one long inhalation, held the hand of my sleeping husband, and spoke.
I need to talk to you. I think I’m starting to lose patience with myself. This little joy inside of me, whom I wouldn’t trade anything for in the entire world, is beginning to scare me. Not him and his exhistance, but the actual thought of him and how I’m going to know how to do everything to take care of him. I promise you I’ll do everything I can to learn. I’ve been googling, reading, and researching, but I’ve found myself too tired to dig into my books at night. Almost as if I’ll worry about it when the time arrives.’ I just keep putting it off.
Is that bad? Is that selfish? It feels so.
I feel like the crazy person who cries for no reason and for the sake of my husband, I need your help. God, can you keep our baby safe for another 12 weeks? Can you keep him inside of me so he grows strong? Please don’t allow my tears to cause his early welcoming. I can be stronger. I will be stronger.
I pray that this month brings more joy to us than ever. And every person. I pray that I’ll feel warmth on my skin and that I’ll appreciate my growing body and changing life with no hesitation at all. To be honest, I’m not even sure what I’m so afraid of anyways. As I sit here writing to you, he moves inside of me. My husband breathes heavy, enough for me to know he’s deep enough for you to strengthen him. Beretta is heavy on my legs and I can hear a bird singing behind my window. I inhale once more and realize that moments like these are one’s that I am not afraid. This life isn’t a perfect one, but it’s one that feels so so wonderful.
It’s the kind of Sunday where I know I should be waking my family to come and worship you, but I can’t get myself to start the day quite yet. I feel bad that we won’t be there today but I don’t want to hurt because of it. I want you to know we are here. All of us, reaching out to you, praising you, and giving you our all consuming trust that you will take care of us. My faith in you is forever, and I know you will.
One last thing. God? Could you please be so kind and help me pace myself? Can you slow my breathing, walking, sleeping, living? Can you help me accept that sometimes the art of just living is when a person does just that? Will you help me accept that we don’t have to succeed and accomplish things every single day to be worth something to you but rather our faithfulness and love for you will? Please show me that slowness and stillness and mistakes are perhaps when you’ll love on my heart the most.
The sun is shining, coffee is calling, my thoughts in you are renewed.