you will and you won't.

It’s been awhile.  Nearly three months since I’ve even come close to opening my journal.  I stare at it each morning, tucked perfectly between five books on my shelf that have also yet to be read.  2015 was a big year for us.  We had a baby, sold our house, and we are in the process of searching for land to hopefully build on this coming year and I’m using all of these things as my excuses for ignoring the words, thoughts, and ideas that I would consistently write down.  Overall, the last seven months have forced me to be in transition mode both physically and emotionally and it’s taken me until now to realize that maybe that’s okay.

On top of everything happening in my life, I find myself wanting to do more.  After McCoy was born and we moved in with my in laws, the amount of control I had over the things that were happening in my life went down to zero.  Because of this, I was forcing things onto my heart that I already loved in order to take back any control that I could.  In return, they attacked me.  My love for health turned into sugar detoxes and intense and painful treadmill runs.  My yoga practice became forced and every benefit I naturally could receive from it would never happen.  I was trying to be a mama to my babe in a house full of eight and I began resenting the people that are so dear to me.  I struggled with myself because I never began writing the book I was going to write.  I never ran that half marathon I was going to run.  And I never brought any change to the world through my words - something I’ve so deeply wanted.

And then New Years Eve, it hit me.  Without transition in our lives there will never be growth.  Whenever we are going through something that we want so badly to end, we have to remember that it is only the beginning - there are so many beginnings, so many blessed moments to start something, change something, to recover from.  A woman reminded me that healing the world begins with us.  With you and me.  A long time ago I had a dream to use my words to make this world a better place.  Another year has passed and I’m still not entirely sure how to do this.  But we need it.  Someone needs it.  And in my heart I will find you.  God has a plan for your life, for mine too.  He does not want or expect us to be in control and until we accept this and place all that we have on him, a cluttered mind will continue.  He wants us to heal.  To live with freedom and grace and trust that a content heart under any and all circumstances is the secret to happiness.  

My New Year’s eve was spent wiping spinach and pears off my baby’s rosy cheeks.  I snuggled into bed and 9:00 and reflected on all of the things I did and did not accomplish this year.  I smiled, realizing that I probably should have changed his diaper one last time before bed, and together we drifted into sweet sweet sleep.  Whatever it is you’re searching for, or praying to happen, or to change, or to stop.  Whatever it is you’d like to accomplish this year.  The truth is, you will and you won’t.  

And that is so so wonderful.